Healing through writing
I was having coffee with a journalist discussing future projects I have in mind and she asked me how my book writing was coming along. I told her I was stuck, and didn’t really know how to keep going but I have the need to meet my goal and publish the book by the end of the year. She told me, “Think back to the beginning of what got you to start writing in the first place.”
Now that I stop and think about the beginning I see what a different person I am from just a few months ago. Why I want to write a book? Because it was my way to heal, to have a voice and to put down on paper all the things I have gone through in this journey of becoming a stay at home mom. I think back of the beginning when I was lost and had so much regret and guilt. I didn’t know who I really was and I was just following the pattern of what I was told I was. I was now a mom, dedicated fully to my child and the house. That was the label I put on myself when I decided to stay at home. I was no longer the engineer or professional working mom. I had now moved on to a new role that I knew nothing about.
As I think back of those days that I felt alone and overwhelmed I think of all the reasons I need to put it down on paper and write. I didn’t have a voice, but because I chose not to. I didn’t think I was allowed to reach out and express my feelings. I was the martyr, the woman that now must forget her own identity to serve her child and become fully absorbed on that role. I was in need of approval from others and in search of the pat on the back for my hard work. I remember the days I cried alone in the bathroom thinking I was a horrible mother for wanting more and for wanting a break from child play or child care. The days that I would lose my patience and scream at my child lead to nights of guilt and regret. I had no right to go and take my daughter to grandma’s house during the day, because that was the whole reason I was home. I dealt with comments from family and friends that I had it good, so that built anger and frustration as I drowned in self pity. I couldn’t possibly consider hiring a babysitter to come so I could rest when I felt sick or exhausted. My ego was stronger and the thought of I am a mom that can do it all got me into more trouble and into a deeper hole.
All those moments when you feel that you are the only one going through this and you are being over dramatic and emotional are the reasons why I have the urge to write a book. Because just like I felt alone and lost during the transition from working mom to stay at home mom, so do many other women. For me to heal and become a better person I must put it all down on paper so I can open up space to better things in life. And even if the only person that reads my book is me, I will feel accomplished because I will have a voice. My struggles and my triumphs will be down on paper for me to look back and see how much I have grown.